


Paint a Seascape Over My Eyes

by raiining



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Spoilers, Gen, M/M, Post-Episode: s01e11 The Magical Place, episode coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-12
Updated: 2014-01-12
Packaged: 2018-01-08 12:27:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1132647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raiining/pseuds/raiining
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint doesn't feel guilty about anything, because guilt implies regret.  He's doesn't regret that Coulson's alive.</p>
<p>He wishes he hadn't found out like this, though.  This... this is not what Clint had wanted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Paint a Seascape Over My Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't want to write a post-Magical Place coda, I _wasn't_ going to write a post-Magical Place coda, but then the idea popped into my head and a scene, and then the next scene, and... *hands*
> 
> Huge thanks to Infiniteeight for the speedy beta.

Clint scrambles as soon as the S.H.I.E.L.D.-wide notification goes live, but he doesn't get there in time. 

Coulson's team beats him to the scene. 

He hears the screams and vaults off his bike, but by the time he finds Coulson, the hacker – Skye – is already there. Clint ruthlessly shuts down the flare of jealousy he feels when he sees the way she holds him. He records the scene and takes a photo of the machine. It's a theta-wave generator, Clint knows, and his heart sinks.

Too late, too late. He's always too late.

He leaves before anyone, even May, can see him, and goes back to S.H.I.E.L.D. He walks into Fury's office and lays the camera on his desk.

"He knows."

The Director meets his eyes. Fury looks the same as he always does – strong, confident, black coat firmly in place – but Clint's not called Hawkeye for nothing. He can see the lines of stress around his eyes, the exhaustion just held at bay. Fury nods, and it's a motion filled with understanding. Clint can feel the same heaviness in his chest.

"Understood," Fury says. He's no coward, though, to shrink before the consequences of what he – what _they_ – have done. "You'll inform the others?"

It's Clint's turn to nod. That had been part of their deal. "I will."

He leaves S.H.I.E.L.D. and goes directly to Tony's tower. "JARVIS can you notify the team that I need to speak with them, please?" 

Tony and Bruce are in the lab. Steve will be out, but JARVIS can find him. Thor is, luckily, in New York today. He splits his time between the Tower, Asgard, and Jane.

It doesn't take long for the team to assemble. Natasha is already there – she hadn't been able to join the search for Coulson, but Clint's been keeping her in the loop. When he enters the common room, she leaves the couch and comes to stand beside him. Clint's not surprised by her show of support, but he is grateful. Natasha had argued against every step of the plan, but when he'd needed her, she'd been there for him.

Clint doesn't see the point of beating around the bush. Pepper's here too, having come up with Tony from the labs, and that makes things easier. They'll be less of a need to say this twice. "Coulson's alive."

There's a moment of shocked silence before everyone starts speaking at once. Clint holds up a quieting hand. "I know that you have questions. That's why I – we – didn't want to tell you. You wouldn't have been able to accept it without digging." 

He throws Bruce his Starkpad. The scientist catches it and activates the screen with a touch. His eyebrows rise. "These are medical files."

Clint nods. "Everything is there. Everything... we did. Read that, and then you can decide what you want to do."

He turns to leave. Natasha catches his hand and squeezes once, a sign that's as much for the rest of the team as it is for him. She understands. She forgives him for what he had to do.

Clint packs a bag and goes back to S.H.I.E.L.D. He still has his quarters, registered in his name, but the bed feels like rocks after sleeping at Stark's. It's fine. He's not going to sleep, anyway.

He's not sure who the team will send to ask him more questions. He's not surprised when it's Steve, though. He opens the door before the supersoldier can knock twice.

Steve doesn't smile, but he doesn't hit Clint, either. "Can I come in?"

Clint nods jerkily and steps aside. His quarters seem even smaller with Steve taking up half the space. Clint sits on the bed and gives Cap the chair. 

"I think I need you to start at the beginning."

Clint swallows, but doesn't disagree. "I've been in love with Phil Coulson for six years."

Steve's eyebrows shoot up, but he doesn't say anything. Clint shrugs and looks away. "He didn't know. He'd met someone recently – Clara. She's a cellist. Very nice. She moved back to Portland, but they were going to make it work. He was happy." It's funny that even now, the memory doesn't burn. Coulson deserves to be happy. 

"After... after what happened on the Helicarrier, Coulson was dead. He was Fury's best friend – they'd been partners since their Ranger days. You don't know much about Fury's history – no one does – but suffice it to say that he's lost people. Too many people. He hates it. S.H.I.E.L.D. spends more on medical research than anyone can believe. I've seen the numbers, and it's..." Clint shakes his head,"incredible. I knew Fury wouldn't just let Coulson go. That's not in his nature.

"Fury had Coulson's body flown to Headquarters. They got to work. I found him on the seventh day." He swallows, remembering the scene he had stumbled across, exhausted from days without sleep and hanging on to the thinnest of hopes. "I saw what they were doing. I heard him begging to die." Clint looks up and meets Steve's eyes. "I didn't tell them to stop."

Steve takes a deep breath. He looks away. For a moment, he looks young, younger than Clint's ever been.

"When they were finished," Clint goes on, "the doctor's implanted a memory of Tahiti, a memory of recovery, to explain why his body was working again. They brought him back to S.H.I.E.L.D. and kept his presence need to know."

At this, Clint sees the first flare of anger in Steve's eyes. "And we didn't need to know?"

Clint shakes his head. "No. The Avengers haven't had to assemble since Coulson went down. He's been busy with a new team, investigating strange occurrences around the world. He's been doing good work." Clint doesn't realize his nails are digging into his palms until he sees Steve glance at his fists.

He consciously relaxes his hands.

"You haven't seen him?" Steve asks.

Clint shakes his head. "No."

"What changed? Why are you telling us now?"

"Coulson remembers what happened to him, or at least, he remembers some of it. He was kidnapped by this group of people and," Clint takes a deep breath, "I couldn't get to him in time. He remembers now. There was no point in hiding it from you anymore, or the team. That's always been part of the deal."

Steve doesn't say anything. They sit in silence for several minutes. Finally, the Captain stands. "I'll tell the rest of the Avengers."

Clint nods and stands. He keeps his eyes on the floor. "I'll understand if you don't want me on the team anymore."

Steve doesn't offer false reassurances, but he nods. He takes a step towards the door, puts a hand on the knob, then stops. He takes a deep breath. "I've lost someone I cared about before," Steve says. "If I had found him like that..." he shakes his head. "I don't know if I would have done any different than you."

Clint can't meet his eyes. "You would have. If you'd heard him screaming – pleading – to die. If you'd seen how much pain he was in, what they were doing to him... You wouldn't have made the same choice."

"You don't know that," Steve says, but he turns back to the door. He opens it, steps out, and leaves. Clint sits down on his bed. 

He's so tired.

 

*

 

He doesn't mean to get caught spying on the Bus. Fury has kept him in the loop regarding Coulson and his team. Clint knows that Coulson's put everyone on stand-down for the next several days and that he's used the time to sneak out and see Streiten. 

Clint just wants to see him. He doesn't deserve to, but Clint's been wanting things he doesn't deserve for years now. What's one more?

Coulson looks – good. Not great, obviously. He's just been tortured, after all, and his bruises are still healing. There's a weight on his shoulders that Clint doesn't like to see and too many questions behind his eyes, but he's walking and talking. He's alive. 

He doesn't think Coulson's seen him, but then, Coulson hasn't always needed to see him to know that Clint's there. "You can come out now," Coulson says into the empty air of the cargo hold, when Skye's left him and gone inside. 

Clint hesitates, but there's no point to ducking out now. He unhooks his legs and drops down from his hiding place, tense and ready to run.

Coulson turns to look at him. His mouth twitches into a half-smile. "Clint."

He looks good, so damn good, even better from up close. Clint closes his eyes to keep himself from doing anything stupid and swallows past the lump in his throat. "Sir."

When Coulson doesn't say anything, Clint cracks one eye open and peeks. Coulson's looking at him, a familiar expression on his face. It's calculating, but not hard – kind, like Coulson always is, even when he's thinking things through from every angle. "You knew."

It's not a question, but Clint answers it anyway. "I did."

"You didn't come and see me, though, which means..." Coulson hesitates. "You know everything, don't you?"

He waits until Clint nods, then takes a deep breath, holds it in, and lets it out. His shoulders slump, just slightly. Clint feels something shatter inside him, something he's glued together with nightmares and hope. 

"Why?"

It's the same question Steve had asked, the one Fury had already known the answer to. Clint can't give Coulson anything less than the truth. He owes the man that much. "Because I couldn't let you die."

Coulson shudders – a full body shake – and lets out what could only be loosely termed a laugh. "Was it guilt? Is that what this was? You and Nick – did you feel guilty that I died?"

Clint wants to cross the space between them and gather Coulson up in a hug, but he doesn't have the right. "No. Maybe a little, but not – I don't know about Fury, I know he owes you his life, but this –" Clint shakes his head. "I was selfless enough to let you love someone else, but I was too selfish to let you die. I'm sorry."

Coulson drops his hands from where they've been pressed against his eyes. "Clara doesn't know."

"No."

"The Avengers?"

Clint hesitates. "Natasha knew," he says. "She didn't like it, and you shouldn't blame her, but she knew. I just told the rest of the team this morning." 

Coulson sighs. He sounds tired now. He looks around for a place to sit, then crosses the floor to Lola and gets in. Clint watches as he tips the driver's chair back and looks up at the ceiling of the cargo hold.

After a minute, Coulson waves a hand to the passenger side. "Get in."

Clint swallows, but does as he's told. He's only been in this car a handful of times. 

"I knew Nick would try," Coulson says eventually, his eyes still focused on the ceiling above. "I knew it even as I was dying, seeing the look on his face. I woke up in Tahiti and my first thought was – the bastard did it."

Clint doesn't say anything. 

"I didn't realize the lengths he went to, though. I knew something was missing. If it had been just forty-seven seconds, like they said, well... I figured I could live with that. But the pieces didn't fit. Something wasn't right, and my body wasn't responding the way I wanted it to. I realized that whatever Nick had done, it had been more than I'd thought when I first woke up. I got scared. Scared of the questions I wanted to ask and scared of what the answers might be."

Clint takes a deep breath. "And now that you know?"

Coulson blinks at the ceiling. "I don't know. I need more – details, reports. I want the whole package."

"I can get that for you."

Coulson rolls his head over to look at him. "Thank you."

Clint shudders. "Don't thank me, Coulson, _Jesus_. I can – it's the least I can do."

"Sorry," Coulson says, I..." he looks down at his hands. He flexes them. "I remember wanting to die," he says slowly. "I remember the pain, the horror of being alive when I shouldn't have been." He shakes his head. "But the pain is gone and the horror is... muted. I don't want to die now that I'm back." He quirks a smile. "You can stop the suicide watch."

Clint doesn't want to admit that's what this has been. It's always been a possibility, that Coulson would find out the truth and take matters into his own hands. Clint didn't think he would, but Coulson's surprised him before. "I'll tell the Director."

Coulson nods. "You do that. As for everything else..." he trails off. When he speaks, it's slow. "I can't forget what happened, even if I can learn to forgive."

Clint can't look at him. "I wouldn't ask you to."

Coulson doesn't say anything. Clint knows that he's watching him. After a moment, he says, "You could have said something."

That makes Clint laugh. "No. I really couldn't."

"But you said something now?"

Clint shrugs. It hurts. "You deserved to know the truth."

"And I didn't before?"

Clint doesn't have anything to say to that. After a moment, Coulson sighs. "I need some time to think about this."

Clint doesn't think there's anything to think about. He nods and gets out of the car. Coulson stops him just as he's leaving the Bus. "If I want to talk, can I reach you at the Tower?"

"I don't know," Clint admits. "Steve... the team... they aren't very happy with me right now. I'm staying at S.H.I.E.L.D."

Coulson's still in the car. He nods. "Okay. I'll see you later, then, Clint."

Clint meets his eyes. "You don't have to lie to me, sir."

Surprisingly, Coulson smiles. "I'm not. I never have, and I'm not about to start now."

Clint hesitates, but he nods. "Okay," he says, slowly. "Later, then."

Coulson nods, and Clint turns away. He walks off the Bus. 

_Later_ , he thinks. He shakes his head. Hope is the most treacherous emotion of all.

**Author's Note:**

> I tagged this pre-Clint Barton/Phil Coulson because IT WILL WORK OUT, I just don't know how yet. I'm hoping to write more in this verse after a couple episodes have passed. Lets see what the show gives us to work with and then we'll see where this is going, okay?
> 
>  
> 
> *g*


End file.
